The following acronyms will appear to describe the nearest and dearest, or those in the blast radius of SWB.

LSB- Long suffering bastard- significant other of SWB

DWF- Delicate wee flower – eldest child who is somewhat sensitive

FJ- Father Jack- Child number two who is anything but

WOE- The Wise Old Elf- Father of SWB

AAI- Almost Always Irked. Mother of SWB- the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree

• The inability of her children to sit, in a seat, without falling off. Why is this such a challenge? There is usually food involved, which ends up mushed into floor. FFS.

• Household appliances designed by idiots. Both my tumble-drier and washing machine scream at me when they are finished a cycle. The washing machine in particular emits a piercing beep at 30 second intervals until switched off. (It’s a Bosch BTW. Boycott the feckers). SWB is of the opinion that they are designed by misogynists who believe that a woman’s arse should not touch a seat if they are at home, and thus seek to torment them with noise making devices. Bastards. I am aware of course that many men do stay at home, but as yet their numbers are greatly fewer than their female counterparts. LSB appears to have a noise filter, and washing machine beeps did not used to get through. Now, lest it rouse the beast which is SWB when irritated, he leaps over kitchen chairs to drone out the din.

• Donald Trump, obviously. This is all that needs to be said on the matter, other than to say that there was a Scottish woman wearing a placard which sums up SWB’s thoughts on the matter quite succinctly.