Jeepers, I hardly had that post up when the phone rang. It was, of course, Herself.
MOTHERSHIP: Do you HAVE to go ON and ON writing about your periods? I mean WHO CARES? (notice the lack of niceties, before the ‘launching in.’)
ME: People haven’t cared for centuries. I’m redressing the balance.
MOTHERSHIP: I just don’t understand it. Who wants to be reading the like of that? Some of my FRIENDS read your blog. Imagine Michael, sitting down to his breakfast and THAT arriving into his in-box. It’s enough to put anyone off their toast.
ME: Has he said it offends him? Has anyone?
MOTHERSHIP: Of course not. Sure he’d be too embarrassed to discuss it. We all are. And the language! Your father was disgusted at the last thing he read. He says he’s reading no more of it, in fact.
ME: Probably for the best.
MOTHERSHIP: And you’re after nearly braining yourself? What were you doing in the forest anyway? What if you’d been on your own? You could have been lying there yet. Dead, even.
ME: Did you actually read the post? There were four other people to witness my fall, which made it all the more mortifying.
MOTHERSHIP: Hmmmph. You could have broken your neck. Again. You’d think you’d have more sense, at your age. People like you, prone to accidents, shouldn’t be running AT ALL. Put an end to it. Go for a nice walk instead. Preserve your joints or you’ll be going round on one of those zimmers, looking two new knees and a hip replacement before you’re fifty. And THEN where will you be?
(I actually think my Mother has taken to the drugs. Do you remember the bit in ‘Trainspotting’ when Spud goes for the job interview? Well this phone call was like that, only worse. I was ready to ask her where she had found her dealer in Bangor.)
ME:I have to go now mum, I’ve a class at the gym.
MOTHERSHIP: Well don’t be standing behind yon fellow with the kettle-weight. He sounds like a liability.
ME: Kettle BELL, Mum
MOTHERSHIP: Kettle what?
ME: I think I’ll put the kettle on and have a cup of tea before I go.
MOTHERSHIP: I’ll do the same. A nice cup of tea will be just the thing. They had an offer on in Tesco for Nambarrie and I bought you a packet. I hope you haven’t been paying full price? NEVER pay full price for tea.
ME: I’m away now, Mum.
MOTHERSHIP: See you tomorrow dear.
ME: That you will.